You’re a star-belly sneech you suck like a leech
You want everyone to act like you
Kiss ass while you bitch so you can get rich
But your boss gets richer on you

Well you’ll work harder with a gun in your back
For a bowl of rice a day
Slave for soldiers ’til you starve
Then your head skewered on a stake

Pol Pot, Pol Pot, Pol Pot, Pol Pot, Pol Pot!

—from “Holiday In Cambodia,” The Dead Kennedys

Jello Biafra and the rest of that wacky DK gang were really onto something with this nugget. Of course, Biafra was in the habit of making political statements and weaving social commentary; but alas, hidden even underneath the punk armor of biting and crude social satire lies a vulnerable, gangly neck waiting to be strangled by the meat hooks of the marketing monster!

True as this statement may be, when I picture “the ad wizards who came up with that one,” they usually take the form of the sleek-suited, slicked back Madison Avenue sort that fed kittens to ATMs and ate peanut butter soup in American Psycho. I don’t really picture a place like Cambodia as having those healthy capitalist schemes that make our wonderful country the home of so many freedom-lovers. But in a surprising upset, the nation that brought you the Tiger vs. Midgets upset of 2005 put even fucking Planet Hollywood to shame with its newest brainchild: The Khmer Rouge Experience Café!

That’s right; it seems as if a bit of the Western mindset has rubbed off on the Cambodians (I guess it was from our constant carpet-bombing during that limited skirmish in Southeast Asia that time). Yes, that tried and true idea that says you can take just about anything, whether it be stupid, useless, or in this case, utterly fucking devastating, and make some down-home greenbacks off of it. Or pinkbacks. Or yenbacks. Or whatever the hell they have over there –backs.

For those of you don’t know, or those of you who knew but then blocked it out because your mind couldn’t handle the magnitude of the atrocity, let me bring you up to speed in the form of a lively Irish limerick:

There once was a man named Pol Pot
Who sure liked to slaughter a lot
Paranoia set it
Khmer Rouge was pure sin
Peace and love this dictator had not!

Nothing like a lively Irish limerick to put a genocidal atrocity into perspective. But seriously (too late!), Pot and his Khmer Rouge regime is responsible for the deaths of anywhere between 1.2 and 1.7 million people in a campaign filled with barbarism and, many say, a Stalin-esque sense of extreme paranoia toward routing out traitors.

Of the known 14,000 to 15,000 people imprisoned at the infamous S-21 school-turned-torture-house, there were but seven survivors. Hmmm, an Auschwitz-like chamber of horrors. How can we turn this into a zesty enterprise? I KNOW! Right across the street—Theeeeeme restaurant!!

Now the owners say that they have opened the café to serve as a reminder of the atrocities that occurred during Kampuchean rule; however, S-21 has already been transformed into a macabre museum that effectively serves this purpose.

But read further through this article and you can see the advertising spin doctors at work beneath the surface:

“Bobby, what are you seeing? What are you feeling here?”
“OK Jim, I’m thinking starvation, malnutrition, torture, how do we work with this?”
“I’ll tell ya Bobby, you know what that sounds like?”
“What’s that buddy?”
“Sounds like my personal trainer letting me have it!”
“Oh that’s good. That’s perfect.”
“Yes, earn that perfect figure the Khmer way.”
“Rice water now. Fabulous thighs later.”
“The Killing Fields or the Thinning Fields—you decide.”
“Brilliant man, brilliant!”
“OK Bobby, off for a steam and then how about some baby’s brains for lunch?”
“You read my mind, kemosabe.”

With this kind of mindset taking over, I think we as freedom-lovers have nothing to fear. It seems that the world is coming around. More rice-gruel anyone?

Now I’m sure that at least one ad exec or PR guy saw this article floating around and had some ideas of their own for the next big thing in genocide sheik. Well then, I present you with five of my own; let’s hope to see one of these gems raking in the dollars one of these days:

1. Chickie’s & Hitler’s

Those of you from the Philly area are probably well familiar with Chickie’s & Pete’s, that totally-in bar chain that us dive-bar junkies love to hate. Well, one thing I bet you DIDN’T know is that a Hitler clone was made from DNA found in his suicide bunker. This Hitler was raised in an identical manner here in Philly (shaky upbringing, failed artist, imprisonment) and will soon form a relationship with Chickie, the little known partner of bar owner Pete Ciarrocchi. While originally promising to be a silent partner in the business venture, Hitler will slowly usurp power and eventually occupy half of the restaurants after splitting them with Chickie through the notorious “Crab-Fries Pact of 2006.” Fun features of the newly altered bars will include a solely blonde-haired, blue-eyed staff, special “steam rooms” for those customers deemed “rowdy” or “unnecessary” (hey, they’ll go in as long as their promised a wall of plasma screens), and invigorating new menu items including Mein Crumpets, The Mustard Surprise, Reich Schnitzel and Mengele Bisque. “Chickie’s & Hitler’s. Can you think of a purer restaurant or bar experience, Mein Fuhrer?” “NEIN!”

2. General Mao’s Chicken Hut

Move over General Tso! General Mao’s delicious, yet bittersweet chicken is produced by a red army of Chinese peasants working as a communist unit, far removed from the bourgeois mores expressed in such evil dens of capitalistic enterprise as Kentucky Fried Chicken. And we’re serious here at General Mao’s—don’t come waltzing in here stinking of the imperialist Colonel’s secret recipe or you will be forced to sign a confession and be put to work preparing the General’s succulent chicken sensations! Remember to tell your friends that a course of study can also be taken at General Mao’s that will reeducate them to revolt against the Colonel’s Army of rotten greed-ridden swine. The education of the masses is the only way to… well enough of that! We didn’t mean to frighten you, just come on in and enjoy some delicious chicken, the Maoist way!

3. Stalin’s Pirogue Palace

Joseph Stalin is known the world over as a vicious, overbearing and paranoid dictator whose reign lead to the deaths of about 20 million Russians, but did you also know that he absolutely adored a fine plate of pirogues? That’s right—and now the descendants of his despotic regime are honoring his memory with this cozy pirogue eatery. However, make sure you are a staunch pirogue fan before entering, for if it is even suspected that you are not enjoying our delicious pirogues, you will be shot on sight; in addition, whoever suspected and reported you will be shot on sight. “Uncle Joe” also cares about the kids—and that’s why our “kids fun” tablemats come with crayons made of traitors and are filled with fun educational facts like: “When Uncle Joe’s Red Army overtook Germany in 1945, few were spared. As the Soviets moved through Germany they raped at least two million German women in an undisciplined advance that is now acknowledged as the largest case of mass rape in history.” Well whaddaya know! So bring the family out for pirogues and persecution today!

4. Dawes Native American Cuisine

Did somebody say Manifest Destiny?! Celebrate the legacy of Native Americans happily giving their land, culture and lives up for the white man’s dream of a bigger, better back yard at this quaint Injun bistro. Navajo maidens happily prepare corn- and buffalo-based meals while being forced to memorize bible passages and curse their heritage. And don’t worry about the smallpox-infected blankets they’re wearing—we have the vaccine! Come on down today and check out our extra-special bonus offer: all of the Native American staff are required to give you their address. If you check it out and like what you see, it’s yours to do with what you please, whether it be to park your car on, plant an American flag in, or just leave vacant. Don’t you worry; they’ll find someplace else near a casino or a whiskey distillery! Old Henry Dawes would be happy to see his humanitarian act brought back to life with such flare and panache. Enjoy!

5. The Idi Amin Barbeque Hut

Hey there kids, guess what? Now the “Butcher of Africa” is butchering something else—savory barbeque! Celebrate the ethnic cleansing of Uganda by digging in to Idi’s age-old recipe of fresh-macheted pork delicacies. But watch out ne’er-do-wells—check-skippers have been known to be buried alive. As well as those suspected of wanting to skip out on the check. So pull up a chair and sit a spell. You know what Idi’s fond of saying—“Uganda try our barbeque!” That’s right; 300,000 Ugandans can’t be wrong. Or right. They’re gone. Bring a bib cause it’s gonna git messy!

Happy dining y’all!