Thank You Science!

Additional Startling Discoveries That Science Will Uncover In Addition To The Fact That Jesus Walked On Ice And Not Water

  • Jesus did not turn water into wine. Jesus spruced up water into water with lemon zest. The wedding party was thankful, but frustrated. They had explicitly requested wine.


  • Jesus did not multiply five loaves and two fish to feed 5,000. Jesus turned five loaves and two fish into five slightly bigger loaves and two differently-colored fish. The general consensus from the multitude was unimpressed and hungry.


  • When Jesus “cleansed the leper,” the event was literally just that. A nice hot bath. The leper thanked Jesus and later told bystanders that the bath was “soothing,” yet “a bit awkward.”


  • Jesus did raise Lazarus from the grave. However, after two hours of brain-eating zombie carnage, Jesus, obviously embarrassed, returned him to the grave.


  • The “epileptic” that Jesus “cured” was merely fond of dancing. Jesus cruelly stole his love of the dance and gave it to Luke, who was from that moment on known as “Dancin’ Luke.”


  • Jesus did not miraculously catch a multitude of fish amidst a drought. The great catch was a result of a storm that demolished all other shrimping boats save that of Jesus and Lieutenant Simon Peter. After that incident, Simon Peter never again cursed the loss of his legs.
23 skidooed by on April 10th, 2006

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