Do the Elephant Rock!

Well, it looks like Patton Oswalt was right. The uppity conservatives are really taking over rock music. Case in point: The National Review’s (read Reader’s Digest: WASP Edition) Top 50 Conservative Rock Songs of All Time.

And apparently, I, the self-declared King Kicker of Music Ka-nowledge, have a lot to learn. For example,

Rush champions the Conservative agenda.

I would have never guessed this one. The Canadian proggers are American dreamers. The next time you see a nerdy kid wearing a Rush t-shirt sitting in a corner, he’s secretly plotting the end of conservation, welfare, and probably table scraps for orphans.

Nearly all rock songs are about the Cold War or how evil Communism is.

I just don’t get where all the songs from the Rocky IV soundtrack are. I never knew Robert Plant and the Rolling Stones and the Beatles and, uh, Scorpion were all vehemently opposed to the Red Menace in all its slippery, freedom-raping forms. In fact, if anything in a rock song is described as red, it apparently symbolizes evil Communism. You try it: 99 Red Luftballoons = Stalin’s “Revolution From Above,” Lady in Red = Communism’s seduction of the simple-minded, Red Sector A = well, it’s a Rush song. See what I mean?

The Sex Pistols lean to the right.

You know, if Cheney would slam a nosy reporter on the head with his bass, Bush would blow snot-rockets onto speech attendants and Rumsfeld would carve “GIMMIE A FIX” into his chest mid-press conference, I think I would really be down with the whole Conservative cause.

Mussolini, Stalin and JFK are the same.

According to ultra-righteys Living Colour, that is. Oh wait, I just remembered, Gandhi is also in that song.

Mussolini, Stalin, JFK and Gandhi are the same.

Literary messages in songs make a band Conservative.

Iron Maiden rocks the right whenever it references complex literary themes. Actually, now the Rush thing makes sense. I guess Emerson Lake & Palmer are like the Reagans of rocking.

A polite euphemism for doping, fighting and fucking is “bohemian life.”

For example, “All of his bohemian living left him in a welfare line with long hair and the Clap.”

Kid Rock has a song called “Abortion.”

‘nuf said.

That being said, here are a couple of my own lists:

Bands Listed That the Conservatives Can Have, No Questions Asked:


  • Jesus Jones

  • The Eagles

  • Blink 182

  • John Mellencamp

  • Georgia Satellites

  • Sammy Hagar

  • Marshall Tucker Band

  • Creed

  • Kid Rock

In fact, if they put some kind of RightFest! together to raise money for a Ronald Reagan Statue/Warhead and get these bands to play, I vow to contaminate the event’s water supply with pure LSD, tap into the speaker system and play “Ride of the Valkyries” on infinite repeat, coat all present with honey and granola, and send in an army of hungry hungry hippies.

Songs I Can’t Believe Didn’t Make the List:


  • The Doobie Brothers – Jesus Is Just All Right With Me

  • GG Allin – I’m Gonna Rape You, Feces in Blood, Scabs on My Dick, I Kill Everything I Fuck, really anything from Allin’s glowing catalogue

  • Turbonegro – Midnight NAMBLA

  • Cannibal Corpse – Puncture Wound Massacre, Orgasm Through Torture

  • The Weather Girls – It’s Raining Men

  • The Village People – YMCA

  • Public Enemy – Fight the Power

  • The Supremes – Love Child

  • Bob Dylan – Masters of War

Arod McFoolish

23 skidooed by on June 28th, 2006

This is what the people are saying about “Do the Elephant Rock!”

    OneFootFeet commented on July 1st, 2006 - 12:59 pm
  1. * Mussolini, Stalin, JFK and Gandhi are the same.

    we should put that on a tshirt and go to the next republican convention and get people to sign it.

    Great read as always, sir.

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