Two clowns shot dead at circus

This one just kind of makes you wonder. Not about what kind of a world we live in or the depravation of society, mind you, but the real, hard-hitting thoughts and questions. For instance, why didn’t the gunman execute a large number of clowns and then make sure that only one ambulance could get through to take them to safety? All those clowns, one little ambulance. Just add some zany circus music and, you know, bring some joy back to those children in attendance that are surely scarred for life. Now that would have been not only a double-homicide, but also the crown jewel in an ever-increasing collection of bizarre and frightening clown art.

Is it bad for me to side with the gunman here? I’m sorry to my myriad clown enthusiast readers, but it’s about goddamned time that the tables were turned and that clowns are the ones that are horrified. How long have they been scaring the hell out normal, upstanding people, what with their exaggerated crimson smiles and their deafening muteness? Really, the last thing we need in this world is more clowns. I feel that I need to get behind any action that decreases the odds of me waking up in the middle of the night to find a clown towering over me, his stark white facepaint piercing through the darkness, at the ready to devour my soul. Because that’s what clowns eat, people. Souls.

As I read back the above passages, I realize that perhaps I have fallen victim to the vicious clown stereotypes that plague us as a society. Perhaps it’s true that a few bad apples spoil the bunch, twisting innocent children’s entertainment into sadistic, nightmarish terror. Sure, there are people who, regardless of said bad apples, have always been freaked out by clowns. But you’re sure to find this type of phobia applying to all walks of life. Some are freaked out by Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or Bolsheviks; these personal phobias shouldn’t persuade us to lay judgment upon a whole group of people, or, uh, imaginary characters, I guess.

So let’s take a look at some of the major culprits involved in turning clowns into monsters:

1. John Wayne Gacy (AKA Pogo)

The obvious numero uno in clown depravity, Gacy tore through 32 young male victims while simultaneously entertaining neighborhood children as Pogo the clown. And he didn’t sprout from someone’s imagination either. He is also perhaps the biggest cause of Chuck E. Cheese’s ascent to the top of the children’s birthday party empire. Take that Celebration Station.

2. Tim Curry’s/Stephen King’s Pennywise

“We all float down here Billy…” While some clowns choose to bring a smile to the face of children, Pennywise prefers to drive people to fear-induced suicide and feed on children’s souls. Seriously, if you are not freaked out by these pictures, then congratulations. You are a serial killer. Or the devil.

3. Clown Doll in Poltergeist

One of the absolute worst clown spokesmen, for this unholy bastard marries two intense fears: clowns and dolls. The ancient Indians buried underneath the Freeling house found a perfect vessel here for their white man vengeance. Also, that kid was asking for it. At some point, his parents bought him that, and he kept it. No fucking way is that staying in my room, let alone watching me sleep.

4. Clown Art

Listen, I’m no Gestapo, but I firmly believe that the entire opus of clown art should be destroyed. You show me a house with this art hanging all over it and I guarantee you I’ll find a drawer full of preserved vulvas and belts made of nipples.

5. The Killer Klowns from Outer Space

While the actual movie is a B-theatre bomb and more of a comedy cult classic, the Killer Klowns are indeed horrifying. But hot damn are they inventive! If I could figure out a way to murder with cotton candy, popcorn or shadow puppets, I just may have done it by now. But the horror of being the ventriloquist dummy of a sadistic alien Klown trumps any respect I hold for their homicidal creativity.

6. Patch Adams

No explanation necessary.

7. Vulgar’s Floppy

Men gang-raping a clown. End of story. I know that in this case the clown is the victim, but still. Clown rape. That’s just fucked up.

Yes, these representatives ruin it for everyone else. Well, that and the creeping, paranoid fear that within some men lie the hidden hearts of evil monsters, grown men disturbed enough to dress up and put on elaborate shows for young children, gain their trust through joyous entertainment and then shatter their innocence forever. Oh shit, that reminds me—