20 Completely False Facts About United States Presidents
1. In a fit of rage, 6th President of the United States John Quincy Adams once killed a grizzly bear with his bare hands. He then devoured the heart and made a necklace out of the fangs and claws that he wore while developing the Monroe Doctrine.
2. 9th U.S. President William Henry Harrison did not die one month into his Presidential term as the history books report. He went undercover on special assignment in England and became the deadliest gentleman spy in U.S. history. He was the inspiration for James Bond.
3. John Tyler, 10th U.S. President, had brilliant and detailed visions in his dreams about the future, including the use of laser weapons. He died penniless and insane attempting to build lasers with steam engines to take over the world.
4. 11th President of the U.S. James Polk once scored four touchdowns in a single football game.
5. 15th U.S. President James Buchanan was fully able to breathe underwater, inadvertently causing the Civil War.
6. Often depicted wearing a tall black stovepipe hat, 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln had all of his hats custom-made to measure the exact length as his fully-engorged member.
7. 17th U.S. President Andrew Johnson had intense peladophobia, or the fear of bald people. Apparently, whenever he saw a bald person, he would freeze up, lose control of his bodily functions and scream gibberish.
8. Ulysses S. Grant, 18th President of the United States, is alive and well and living in Miami. His secret—10 strawberry milkshakes a day.
9. 20th President of the United States James Garfield slept in a box, was notoriously lazy, voraciously ate lasagna, and abhorred his wife’s dog.
10. Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States, only served one term as president. The second, nonconsecutive term was served by his evil twin brother, Sir Beauregard Augustus Cleveland.
11. 26th U.S. President Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt strictly adhered to a daily diet of blood from U.S. Army generals. Once, after a double-dose of general blood, Roosevelt administered a spine-snapping pile driver to a Bengal Tiger.
12. William Taft, 27th President of the United States, unsuccessfully attempted to appoint an all-chimpanzee cabinet. His dream was to dress them in suits and stage hilarious cabinet meetings that he would name “poo-fling powwows.”
13. Warren Harding, 29th U.S. President, played a round of Russian Roulette every day he held office.
14. Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States, invented the robot. To clarify, President Coolidge invented both metallic semi-sentient beings and the popular dance.
15. 31st U.S. President Herbert Hoover, save for his public addresses and documents, chose to speak and write entirely in Pig Latin.
16. 32nd President of the United States Franklin D. Roosevelt was quite the practical joker, often sending the entire White House into a heightened state of paranoia with fake documents swearing allegiance to the Fuhrer and false immediate attack alerts.
17. 33rd President, Harry S. Truman, kept a detailed journal throughout his entire life of every instance he used the phrase “that sounds good to me,” including circumstances, dates, times, weather conditions and Earth’s position in relation to the sun.
18. Military leader and 34th President of the U.S. Dwight D. Eisenhower was known for his dignity and eloquence. But what very few people know is that he set aside one day during each year of his presidency to dance naked throughout the White House and defecate into various potted plants.
19. 40th President of the United States Ronald Reagan was addicted to hardcore tranny porno.
20. George W. Bush, 43rd President of the United States, is a werewolf.