Hey anonymous cool guy, were you the one sending me the messages asking me, a complete stranger to you, about how I make money on the internet? Did Lord Mordechai Xavier tell you about it or something? I usually try to keep it quiet because I don’t want that many people to know my secret to fast money and fabulous material prizes!

Well, basically, all I do is sit at home, fantasize about car crashes and constantly masturbate into a paper cup. Then, at the end of the day, I empty the cup into envelopes addressed to companies such as Best Buy, Sears, Wal-Mart, etc. They value my seed and realize that it will not only lubricate the futuristic weapons of the Galactic Sigma Alliance, but also give rise to my apocalyptic Legacy, known only as The Omtrescent Paradox. I also enclose in said envelope my opinion on lots of things, including their customer service, my eating habits, who I plan on stalking in the next six months—really easy stuff. The best part about it is that I get paid between $1,000,000 and $9,524,157.88 PER SURVEY.

At one time, I was fixated on a Dodge Viper colliding head-on with a packed school bus and I rubbed out 10 in an hour and made ELEVENTEEN TRILLION DOLLARS! HAIL LORD MORDECHAI XAVIER! That’s just in an hour, and I made more than my father and my filthy, whoring mother combined in one hour! When she would whore herself out, right in front of father. The visions stab my brains. What’s funny is that I actually used to work at McDonalds. Waking up for the morning shift and masturbating into the delicious breakfast foods really made me mad, especially when nobody seemed to appreciate the value of the coming Omtrescent Paradox >:( Now I can sleep in until whenever I want, go down to the corner store, buy my daily meal of Slim Jims, Elmer’s Glue and Hawaiian Punch, and fill a few envelopes before I go to worship at the altar of Lord Mordechai Xavier.

The companies secretly pay me by depositing turtle shells, the most valuable currency in all the universe, into my Sigma account every two weeks. I just bought 20 pounds of mayonnaise and most of my friends are starting to think I’m a drug dealer or something LOL. All my friends are dead. Remember I told you I don’t tell that many people about it? That’s because I think if more people start doing it, I will have more of the horrible headaches that make me kill, so don’t tell anyone either. What’s funny is that everyone sits on the Internet all day and masturbates for free… LOL, while I get paid for invoking the Omtrescent Paradox! HAIL LORD MORDECHAI XAVIER!

Anyway, I hope I have this link right, here it is: turtleshellsformysticsemen..net/omstrescentparadox. I hope that is how you do the link part, anyway be sure to go to that site now because the government is reading your secret thoughts and the Website will help you remove the chip that causes the blackouts. They are running some special half-price offer for three more years only… I’m going to watch you sleep tonight. See ya!