Well, well. I heard something quite interesting on the way to work this morning. After Opie and Anthony went to commercial, I tuned into 93.3 WMMR’s Preston and Steve only to hear them arguing about the upset that apparently took place in the station’s MM-aRch Madness (Man, commercial radio is clever!) contest. It seems that local powerhouse Breaking Benjamin not only advanced to the final round of a call-in vote competition featuring such bands as U2, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd and The Who, but also claimed victory over the revered Pearl Jam to take the win.

Now I can’t stand basketball, so I have to say that WMMR’s marathon is much more my style. Sure, there’s nothing scientific about it and its judging is severely skewed, but it’s fun (for music dorks like myself) to imagine Aerosmith and The Who lining up to face each other in the vast teenage wasteland, perhaps wielding battle-axes and bow-staffs, ready to fight to the death in the name of extreme rocking. Aaaaaand, yes, there it is. I’m fully erect.

But shockingly, it seems that most of the folks at WMMR are not fans of the underdog; instead, Preston and Steve were talking about how furious everyone at the station was that the contest had been ruined. How dare anyone vote for an unsigned band over the ones we play ad-nauseum, all the while living in a complete fantasy world in which all of said bands have only a five-song catalogue. For serious; commercial radio blows. And I’m not talking scrumptious, girl-next-door, angel-by-day, naughty-by-night blowing. I mean full-teeth, awkward, painful, yanking blowing, complete with a morning of no eye contact and regret.

Now don’t get me wrong; this diatribe is not leading up to the awesomosity of Breaking Benjamin. Having not even heard them, I can guaran-fucking-tee from their band portrait, press kit bio, and the fact that WMMR listeners voted for them that they sound worse than a dozen puppies being run over by a steamroller[1]. But I’m still glad they won.

I mean, Christ, it’s a stupid radio contest to most of the bands on it. Do you think Pearl Jam is going to suffer in any way from their loss? Not likely. On the other hand, what a great booster for an up-and-coming local band trying to make it. Of course, there’s no money in backing such a band. At least until after they make it or their new record company jerks off the station brass with fistfuls of cash. Until then, they don’t even exist. Oh, and apparently, Pink Floyd only wrote “Money” and then packed it in.

Also, the fact that WMMR didn’t see this coming is further proof of what ignorant toolbags they are. They throw only one popular local band into the mix amidst a sea of established acts and, with the right grass roots publicity, it’s looking pretty good. Especially when you notice that the contest was broken down into decades for the first four rounds. And when you’re in the Aughts group, there’s not much competition. Breaking Benjamin beat out, in order, Killers, My Chemical Romance, Shinedown, and Godsmack. Hey, remember Godsmack? Neither do I.

Even after those puss-challenges, they were pitted against the 80s decade victor: Bon Jovi. That’s right. Bon fucking Jovi (another fairly local band). The same Bon Jovi that beat out The Cars, The Police, Tom Petty, and even Mega-Megalomaniacs U2. Now tell me, which victory is the bigger crime here?

Of course, those angered at WMMR claim the reason is only because it is utterly ridiculous to think that Breaking Benjamin is a better band than Pearl Jam.

Agreed. If you think that, you are wrong. Disagree with me? Then guess what? Wrong again!

But let’s take a look at some of the other ridiculous defeats that took place during MM-aRch Madness:

Aerosmith beats The Who

This is unfathomable. Cocksure, drunken bruisers like The Who, especially when equipped with battle-axes and bow-staffs, would grind the emaciated ex-junkies from Aerosmith into bitch-powder, both musically and physically. Plus, you know they keep Keith Moon like a wolverine in a gunnysack and unleash him at the perfect moment. Horrifying.

Grateful Dead beats Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, and Pink Floyd

Hey, the Dead are a great act, and their live show is legendary, but give me a break. Noodling stoners can only stand so long against the rhythm and blues juggernaut of the Stones, the cosmic voodoo wizardry of Hendrix and the compositional masterworks of the Floyd. So why don’t you just get Truckin’ the fuck on outta here.

Dave Matthews Band beats Soundgarden

When I picture these two bands doing battle, and hear the primeval wails of a young Cornell against the cartoonish vocals of Matthews, only one vision comes to mind:

U2 beats AC/DC

It gives me great joy to picture these two in a bar brawl, and I think we all know how that would end. Bon Scott and Brian Johnson forming some bastardized Aussie Voltron and busting mugs of beer over Bono’s head, Begby-style. And of course, Angus confined in a gunnysack, waiting to do his best Keith Moon impression.

After a look at these obviously tainted phone-in results, it becomes clear that people who make it a point to call into commercial radio contests also make it a point to be complete morons.

So congrats, Breaking Benjamin. You’ve ascended to the top of a festering shitpile of lies. The least WMMR can do now is play your record into the ground so that their automaton listeners will know what to like when they aren’t hearing “Corduroy.”

[1] OK, I have just listened to them, to offer a fair and balanced article. And guess what? So much worse than puppies under a steamroller.

[2] For the purposes of these hypothetical battles, let us assume that we are speaking of the classic lineups of the bands involved.