Gruss Vom Krampus! Ich hoffe, dass Sie Tod genießen!
For this most festive of holiday seasons, I present something I whipped up back in 2006, when I was a much more bitter and angry young lad. It’s about one of my favorite holiday traditions: KRAMPUS!
Christmas fucking Shmistmas.
There. I said it. This holiday is beginning to make me sick. Gone are the days when I would anxiously await joyous yuletide gaiety and a cornucopia of consumer products wrapped in colorful shiny paper. My White Christmas dreams are fast melting in the—ahem—DECEMBER HEAT! Jesus, when the fuck did Philly become Florida?
Ongoing bloodshed and war, opposed religions at the machine gun ready, global warming devouring Jack Frost’s face, dogs and cats living together—MASS HYSTERIA!
While I’ve been teetering on the brink these last couple Christmases, something I read today finally sent me over the edge. The Reuters “Twas the Week Before Christmas” article offered an overview of what different regions are doing to celebrate the season.
Let’s start with Bethlehem, shall we? Seems appropriate. So, what are they doing in the “Prince of Peace’s” town of birth? Oh, nice. They’re KILLING EACH OTHER! Yes, the Israelis and Palestinians continue to slaughter each other to discover whose god is real and whose is imaginary.
Cut to Osaka, Japan, where the big Christmas story is a department store that makes available a huge cake “festooned with diamonds!” Merry Christmas! Gorge yourself with unbridled gluttony and avarice, as Jesus would have!
But not you, England. It looks like the lymies indulged in their gluttony a bit too much, because now they’re all too “festively plump” to celebrate the holiday. Instead, they’re taking classes on how not to eat until your stomach lining tears apart with yuletide cheer. Mmmmm… if that isn’t some true-blue miracle whip, I don’t know what it is.
Now don’t get me wrong. Things have gotten out of hand, as they always do when people are involved, but I’m not saying “cancel Christmas.” However, the holiday needs an major overhaul. The sludge needs to be cleaned out completely. And holding hands and candles and singing “lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu” isn’t gonna fucking cut it. The “Christmas Cleansing,” as I am fond of calling it, needs to be swift, horrifying and painful. Oh yes friends—blood will be spilt. That’s why sometimes there’s a man… Sometimes there’s a man.
There’s only one man who can save Christmas:
That’s right kids! You better watch the fuck out, you better start cryin’, you better get the hell out and run for your life, ‘cause Krampus is coming to town. His present? Pain.
Let me back up. It turns out that in many turn-of-the-century European cultures, Santa, or Saint Nicholas, had a sidekick named Krampus. While Santa would take care of all the good children by rewarding them with gifts, it was Krampus who would reap his bloody vengeance on the “naughty” by giving them coal and rocks, beating them with switches, and even “shackling them in chains, stuffing them in buckets and throwing them into the fiery pits of hell!”
And yes, that is an actual picture of the traditional Krampus, whom many European nations still recognize and include in their festivities. Hells yeah.
This is what the extremely bratty, spoiled kids of this generation need. Too much passivity and parents’ fear of abuse charges have turned these kids into animals. During the Christmas season, all one can threaten is a lack of toys. You know, as opposed to all the millions of other ones they played with for about 10 minutes before tossing them aside.
Imagine how well-behaved these little bastards would become if they knew this sick freak was in their closet this winter, waiting to eat them, feet first:
“Oh honey. It hurts Mommy when you say those things to her. Oh, you’re going to stomp and hold your breath, huh? Wait, is that the doorbell? Be a dear and get that would you sweetie?—
Guaranteed that kid shuts his mouth. Until at least his teen years.
Krampus is so frightening, in fact, that Viennese officials are considering banning people from dressing up like him during future holiday seasons. Of course, these are the same pussies who are banning Santa Claus from visiting schools with young children because “he scared some children.” Well you know what kids? Life is fucking scary! Welcome. And don’t mind that ghoul gnawing at your flesh.
Here’s what one Austrian had to say about his therapy-invoking memories of holidays past:
“I panicked that I was never going to see my father again because a hoofed human wanted to throw me into his wooden backpack.”
OK, first off, that is probably the best quote I’ve ever read. Ever. Secondly, it bears an uncanny resemblance to something I said once while tripping face in the woods:
“A hoofed human wants to throw me into his wooden backpack.”
Anywho, I think it’s obvious that we need Krampus’s “services” for the holiday season. Can you imagine the fear that would be ushered in during the Thanksgiving Day parade? After all, in Austrian parades, dozens of Krampus-clad yahoos “burst out of dark corner[s], shouting menacingly at onlookers and waving birchwood whip[s].” These actors now have to wear numbers for identification purposes after some “lost control after downing a few too many beers.”
I say we take it up a notch. After all, we’re fucking America—the land of excess. Screw beers; we’re gonna dose a boatload of angry homeless with PCP and LSD and just set’em loose:
I can see it now, some hideous Aphex Twin video come to life: “Uh Sergeant, keep your eye on Krampus #143—he just impaled a toddler and set him on fire.”
Krampus Trauma indeed.
Now I’m guessing there may be a chance that the Dark Lord Krampus likes to stay exclusive to Europe. So just in case we can’t convince him to share his bloody reign of purification, I’ve come up with some alternates that could fill the “Krampus of the New World” position:
1. Legend’s Darkness
In my mind, Darkness is the obvious first choice to drive fear and obedience into the hearts of America’s youth. This guy is fucking frightening. Just picture him with “naughty” children hanging from each horn. Oh you’ll behave.
“If you misbehave, I’ll touch you.” Jesus, tell me you wouldn’t be good. Let’s work to make “Every time a child is naughty, BrundleFly peels off a fingernail” a favorite holiday saying. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
3. All the Ventriloquist Dummies in the Country
I, uh… oh God. OK, scratch that one. I’m not that fucked up. Look at them all, with their little legs… AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Nothing would blend more seamlessly with the holly jolly Santa Claus likeness better than an enormous, extremely disturbed and disfigured brute with a taste for headcheese and murder, chainsaw at the ready. Don’t ya think?
5. Sentient, Lab-Created Louie Anderson/Rosie O’Donnell being, AKA Operation Doomsday
Some government lab is bound to already have this awful mistake lying around somewhere; might as well put it to good use. Christ, I don’t know if this is worse than number 3 or not.
Let’s get on this America. We don’t want to start looking like the British, do we?
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all,